Cardboard Classic = Day Off

I'm heading for the WMMR's Preston & Steve's Cardboard Classic in the morning which means a long weekend and no updates today. I don't know if it's a Philly thing or they do it everywhere, so before I hit the sack, I'll recap.

Basically, people make sleds out of cardboard, go to Jack Frost Mountain, get drunk and try to ride their sleds down the slopes. Now, I don't participate in sports where both my feet aren't on the ground but this is one of those events that mask my raging alcoholism (everyone else'll be drunk and stupid too) so I'm all in.

Last year, as contestants hit the bottom of the slopes in their sleds, about 200-300 people in the crowd would simultaneously throw snowballs at them. It was Philadelphia hospitality in all its glory and this year, I'm going to try and increase the havoc.

As I'm a pretty traitorous guy, I've decided that I'm going to start out siding with the sledders. A friend of mine built a sled (which I've yet to see and imagine to be woefully pathetic) upon which a group of us will descend the mountain. My plan is to bring paintball guns and obliterate the snowball hurlers with frozen paintballs as we hit the bottom.

After getting the crowd riled up and angry, we'll quickly discard the guns and join them at which point point phase two of my plan kicks in. The urine-filled water balloon. While snowballs are great for chucking at someone who isn't looking, is it really that much of an affront? Maybe they fall over, and if you're lucky, maybe they hurt themselves and end up crying.

But getting hit with a water balloon filled with urine? Not only does the balloon sting in the frozen weather, but the urine is sure to freeze so quickly the target should be permanently ensconced in the pungent odor.

For any law enforcement agents or agencies, this is by no way an admission and is written for strictly entertainment purposes (not really). I am in no way accepting blame (it was someone else's fault) for any harm that may befall anyone at the aformentioned event. Actually, I'm not saying another word 'till I speak to my lawyer.